Come one, come all. The weeks have passed. The days have lengthened. The heat is on. The sun shines bright upon Hugo Chavocado. He is doing well. Quite well.
Due to some unforseen circumstances, blogging has been reduced sharply in the recent past. See chart at right. Experts were consulted as to an explanation for this trend, and a number of theories - crackpot and otherwise - were offered up. Here are a few of the more reasonable among them:
- the "tipping point" theory
- apathy
- it was the work of saboteurs
- overwork
- simple lack of inspiration
- it was Kelly's fault, because for some reason she still thinks we have to alternate posts
- string theory
- Hugo was too close to the sun
- our main contributing reader (the so-called Fifth Beatle of the office avocado, Recorder of Pedigrees) went off and got himself hitched and has no time for the blog anymore because he has a family to support
- crackpot theory
- that I was in jail
- I forget
Whatever its cause, we are thrilled and relieved to report that this recent decline has not affected Hugo. He continues to grow, as seems to be his wont. He spends most of his days perched by the window, which whats-her-face the "attorney"-who-never-seemed-to-be-in-the-office-ever-anyway finally evacuated and offered the up to Hugo. There's a little rumor going around the office (a rumor I'm just making up and spreading right now) that Hugo may have influenced her departure to procure the prime window office for himself. Many of you may not realize, but Hugo Chavocado draws quite a bit of water around these parts. From our informal calculations, We'd say that Hugo draws about a 1/2 cup of water daily through his roots. A lot of that water he very quietly combines with the various organic matter parts in his soil and converts to avocado stem and avocado leaf. He also respirates quite a bit. Is it oxygeny in here, or is it just me? But yeah. Hugo draws a lot of water in this town. You don't draw shit. See bar graph.
That being formally established (the Hugo is awesome thing), Hugo would now like all of you to come humble yourself before him. He is accepting gifts of cash, votive candles, cold beer, and cigarettes. One adoring fan has already left a yellow rose, which Hugo asked to be planted next to him in his soil. The flower is wilting. My guess is that Hugo will eat the flower soon. He gets pretty hungry.
Some other important news flashes:
- Hugo's impending dominance of the internet is at hand, much like your day of reckoning. Hugo's facebook and myspace pages have grown tremendously. Congratulations to all the new officers sworn in recently on the facebook, and congratulations to all of Hugo's hot friends on myspace. Hugo thinks you're hot but not quite good enough for him.
- Hugo Chavocado es mas macho de Hugo Chavez. "En tu cara, Chavez," dice Hugo Chavocado.
And now for some sad news. I have been fired. Laid off. Canned. Given the pink slip. I am being replaced by a computer. Actually, a monkey at a computer. He's overqualified. I expect security to come at any moment tomorrow afternoon and escort me, kicking and screaming, out the door. I intend to make a big fuss in hopes of actually getting thrown out the front door onto the street. Anyway, Hugo had a lot to do with my departure (see "amount of water drawn" chart above, especially the Hugo category). Perhaps he wants to expand over into my territory.
Kelly, the Neville Chamberlain to Hugo's Hitler, appeased our avocado friend and aceeded to Hugo's request that I be fired. She thinks she has secured peace in our time. I just wish someone would secure an actual avocado sprout (instead of leaves) in our time. But he can't fire me. I quit. To further illustrate my point about, see the graph at left. I will no longer be seeing Hugo on a daily basis. In fact, I may never see Hugo again. His name will forever live in infamy. Now he belongs to the ages. His memory will be enshrined upon the doorposts of my house, and upon my gates. I shall bind it as a sign upon my forehead or whatnot. Anyway, I guess I will be passing on the reins and full responsibility of caring for the plant (quite a burden that, I might add, I have shouldered ALONE for the past 4 months) to my sidekick, underling, and all-around inferior. So yeah. Peace out. I'll be around. I'll see you when I see you. I never thought it would end this way.
Hugo