Quarantine

Apologies for the delay in reporting to you, the faithful reader, on the progress of Hugo, our not-quite-so-little avocado plant. I was unfortunately stricken with a bout of the old plague (the bubonic variety, I believe) for the past few days and, although I perhaps could have mustered up the strength to come into work, I certainly didn't want to put Hugo in any danger. Young'ns are susceptible to a whole range of ailments and airborne pathogens, and with me sneezing all around Hugo he almost certainly would have taken ill and died. Such are the responsibilities of being a parental figure. You have to place the interests of the avocado plants around you above your own personal wants and needs. You wouldn't know anything about that, though, because you're not entrusted with the care of a beautiful baby avocado. So get off your high horse. And stop telling me how to raise my child. Who are you to say I can't hit him?* He's gotta learn some respect. If there's one thing my parents ever did right when I was a child...

Now that I've put you in your place, I will report to you on Hugo. When I last laid eyes on him (Monday), his stem was shorter than it is now. I deduce that it has grown in the last 2 days. Just an educated guess. Let's call it an assumption. Or, dare I say, a hypothesis. The stem, still fuzzy as ever, is almost TOUCHING the bottom of the plastic cup. Kelly and I have been discussing moving Hugo from his basinet into a larger, full-size crib. Truly a huge step in the life of this little plant.

Westlaw, the self-proclaimed "Industry Leader in Legal Research," has thoughtfully donated to me a large, clear plastic water bottle which we think will serve as Hugo's next pad. For more information on our sponsor's services, visit www.westlaw.com. (For all interested parties, the Medical Litigator feature is now up and running. How very exciting!) Westlaw will, unbeknownst to itself, continue to be our sponsor (i.e., "Hugo Chavocado, powered by Westlaw") until we figure out a way to scratch off the Westlaw logo from plastic bottle. Any other interested sponsors should contact us by posting a comment on this blog. We accept payment in the form of cookies.

We will report soon on the moving of Hugo from the free-agent plastic cup to the tall, clear plastic brought-to-you-by-Westlaw-the-Industry-Leader-in-Legal-Research bottle.



*For the record, I have never hit Hugo.**



** You can't prove anything. Are you gonna take the word of a plant over my own?

Education a la avocado

It has come to my attention that many of you are questioning our avocado growing method, particularly the somewhat gruesome practice of impaling Hugo with sharp wooden toothpicks. The toothpicks are not just my own sick invention to torture a helpless avocado pit. OH NO. They're so much more. By suspending the avocado slightly above the water, you allow it both exposure to air and a constant water supply. Now, it was unclear as to which end should be up and which should be down. We received conflicting advice on several accounts, which resulted in a shifting of the toothpicks from one end to the other (a few times). As a result, Hugo has three open toothpick wounds on his water end. Having to move the toothpicks was a difficult and emotional process. We gave him some whiskey and a rag to bite on. Unfortunately the field of anesthesia has yet to expand to avocados.

This harrowing experience is what makes his new found sprouting stem such a miracle! Our little Hugo pulled through his difficult infant hood, and is growing faster than you can say Venezuelan guacamole. Now, once his "stem" reaches six inches, we will be forced to trim it back to three. Hugo does not know about this, and we would appreciate if our readers would be kind enough not to tell him. After the toothpick incident(s), he is really going to resist any attempt to trim his manhood. However, it is for the best and we're sure that after just a few years of expensive therapy, he will come to understand.

Here is the most helpful website we've found thus far: http://forums.gardenweb.com/forums/load/teach/msg121755005890.html

More pictures to come, of course...

Seeking Window

Hugo has expressed a desire for a window. He says this fluorescent lighting is making him queasy. If anyone has a spare window lying around that they don't want anymore, please email or fax it to us. Our fax number is #1.

In response to questions posted by our dear readers:

(1) Kelly did the pricking with the toothpicks. It was all her idea. I couldn't watch and had to be restrained. I don't know how I'll be able to handle the recommended 6inch-to-3inch trimming. I'll need a hand to hold.

(2) Me not looking happy in that picture? That's about the happiest I'm ever going to look, so get used to it. Can't you see I'm beaming?

Hugo says "hola, ¿que tal?"

Simply glorious.

Since the creation of this site, our little Hugo has entered the hearts and minds of thousands (about 20) of people from across the world (office). We have received several (1) eager requests from far and wide (Greg) to provide pictures of our burgeoning baby. So HERE THEY ARE! This picture to the left was taken at approximately 10:30 on 2/21/07. As you can see, Hugo loves to be the center of attention. He practiced a variety of poses, but it was felt that this really captured both personality and growth.

For those of you who have yet to meet him face-to-face, perhaps this will clear up any confusion as to why it is assumed Hugo is male. It also appears that some of you thought we were talking about an actual avocado, rather than a seed/soon-to-be-plant. There is a very serious distinction. One is to be eaten, while the other is not. Make no mistake. We are giving Hugo the best of care, nurturing him to grow to his full potential. Should he produce avocados, however, we will viciously devour them in delicious Venezualan guacamole.

The naming ceremony (pictured right) was quite exciting. Hundreds (2) crowded around the itty-bitty seed as "Hugo Chavocado" was scrawled in Sharpie on his little plastic cup. In addition to receiving a key from the city and a Fulbright scholarship to study the farming industry in South America (we don't even remember him sending an application!), Hugo was formally congratulated by several partners of the firm. What an honor! With the ceremony's conclusion, Hugo's water was lovingly topped off and the masses returned to work. All in all, a proud day for Vanezuala and the Chavocado family.

Hear Ye, Hear Ye

2/21/07 10:55 am

It is with great pleasure and a hearty appetite that I announce the official title of the burgeoning miracle of nature that is our little avocado plant. Although we plant-owners happen to agree on the vast superiority of this particular name over the rest (wait for it...), the degree to which we were influenced by the enormous welling of public sentiment in support of this choice shows once again how easily we cave to pressure.

So, thusly, as a resident (avoca)dough-face, by the power vested in me by the machine that graded my bubbled-in NY Notary Examination answer sheet, in accordance with the law as best befits my purposes and designs and any other schemes I might come up with, in association with my not-so esteemed colleague who gets billed by our firm for postage stamps, in memory of the progenitory line of avocados to which our little plant traces its lineage, I declare that our little avoado shall henceforth from this day forward be known as Hugo Chavocado.

Pictures of the naming ceremony will be uploaded by tomorrow. Check back in for daily excitement. Special thanks to Mr. Bougere for his suggestion of the dignified name which we have chosen to bestow upon our little plant. Any offended Venezuelans or followers/supporters/employees/henchmen of the real Hugo Chavez should talk to Mr. Bougere. Not me.

we be jammin'

our avocado's sprouting stem is growing longer and longer by the minute. New concerns have arisen about the stem eventually hitting the bottom of the plastic cup, in which case the little unnamed seed would have to be transferred to pot or cup, depending on what our research and analysis suggests. Below is a picture of the seed's progress thus far...

Keep the name suggestions coming!

We need your thoughts and prayers

Our little avocado (still yet unnamed, although not due to any paucity of suggestions) is coming along quite nicely. The root is now at an estimated 2 cm and is covered with some odd-looking fuzz. I'm sure that's a good sign. However, I was taken aback when I came upon this statement in that abominable, leftist propaganda publication, wikipedia:

"While an avocado propagated by seed can bear fruit, it will take 4-6 years to do so, and the offspring is unlikely to resemble the parent cultivar in fruit quality. Thus, commercial orchards are planted using grafted trees and rootstocks."

We will not be moved! We are determined that our little still-yet-unnamed avocado will flourish and will fulfill the long, proud tradition of its ancestry - that is, to provide us with batches upon batches of guacamole. Please keep our little unnamed friend in your thoughts and prayers.

Name contest!

2/16/07. 12:25 pm.

Due to the overwhelming response from the general public, we will be hosting an open competition to choose a name for our little avocado plant. No purchase necessary. All are eligible to participate. The winner will be given $7500 and a congratulatory hug. So respond with your best suggestions by clicking on the comment button below. No jokes, please. This is serious business.

Changing of the water

It gives me great joy to report that, at approximately 10:58 am, I replaced both the cup AND water for our little sprouting avocado seed. It has been suggested by interested parties that the avocado be named. While we have yet to decide on a name, it is quite clear (judging from the rather large "stem") that our avocado is male.

We are waiting and staring with great anticipation to see what will happen next. More details to come...

It's growing.

2/16/07. 10:35 am.

Some very exciting news on the avocado-growing front. The avocado pit, which was placed lovingly in water roughly a month ago, has now cracked and has begun sprouting some sort of "stem." It's quite exciting. The office (19-240/241, particularly) is abuzz with anticipation. At some point, perhaps we will look up the name of this mysterious "stem," but for now we will just marvel at the miracle happening before our very eyes.

In other news, the guacamole that was the legacy of the rest of this sprouting-pit's former self was delicious. Fittingly, the expectations for the guacamole-potential of our burgeoning plant are rather high. It comes from good stock.

Pictures to follow. Stay tuned.