jailbreak

I'm free. I broke out of jail. I could regale you with tales of how I got out, but I don't think I will. If you've ever seen The Great Escape, well, it was a lot like that. A big tunnel. Frequent trips to the yard to drop dirt out of your pant leg. Unsuspecting Nazi guards who are oddly relaxed for a maximum security prison. A kickass Sousa-style march theme song playing constantly in the background. A chase scene involved motorcycles with sidecars. To make a long story short, I got out. Let's just leave it at that.

Hugo is big. Last week's pictures capture the gist of what's happening, but for those of you who don't understand, I'll explain it in more detail. Hugo is growing UP at an alarming pace. In the time it takes you or me to go grocery shopping or, say, eat an avocado, Hugo could sprout an inch. He usually limits himself to smaller spurts, though. He doesn't want to embarrass the other plants around. Quite the considerable piece of foliage.

On that note, yes, it is now appropriate to refer to Hugo as foliage. He's ever a borderline shrubbery. I'm beaming with pride.

Also some big improvements in the useless technology department: due to recent concerns about the temperature in the office, thermometers have been obtained. When growing an avocado tree, it's very important to know the temperature. In case, you know, it's too cold for the plant to grow. To our detractors who point out that (a) we don't even know what constitutes "too cold" for a tree and (b) there's nothing we could do about the temperature were it deemed too cold, I say poo poo. Get your own blog.

As promised, a shout out to the pub trivia team (every Thursday in jail is quiz night. Wednesdays are Matlock reruns.) that lovingly dedicated its team name to Hugo. Despite the Chavocados' crushing defeat, they learned quite a bit and surprised themselves at how much they knew about Tom Cruise.

Hugo is lounging by the window in the adjoining office. Maybe office services will get off their ass and give him a proper nameplate. Or maybe that's a project for a summer associate.

Since my whereabouts have now been revealed, I'll probably have to flee again. I'll probably make a good run but I'll run too slow. Odds are I'll be back in prison next week.

Like a father at war

It's like I've never met my son. I hear he's now up to 11.5 inches. My little plant is all grown up, and I am not around to see it.



- I won't be around to see his first steps (granted he'll never take any, because he's a tree, and those don't walk).

- I won't get to hear his first words (not that he'll ever talk).

- I'll miss all of his rec league b-ball games (he'll definitely be a center. or at least a power forward).



On the flip side, I never have to change a diaper, get rudely woken in the middle of the night by some rustling leaves on the baby monitor, or sit in a carpool line. He'll probably find a better father/tree figure somewhere along the line anyway.



And to you detractors who accuse me of not paying child support, (a) seeing as I'm in jail, the only currency I have access to is cigarettes (b) I provided the very pot in which Hugo currently grows (c) I carried the potting soil MORE than half the way back to the office. So there.



In closing, Hugo, I took a picture for you. This is the view out my third floor window. Hope you enjoy it. It was taken at sundown, when the day's last glimmers reflect off the metal bars. Hugo, this one's for you.

April showers bring May avocados

Oh yes, spring is here and it's an exciting time for our little Hugo Chavocado. After the potting, it took little Hugo no time at all to start growing like crazy! The picture on the left is Hugo yesterday, April 11th. The picture on the right is Hugo less than a week ago. Just look at how fast he's growing! There are even LEAVES. And we know that where there are leaves, there is most certainly delicious Venezuelan guacamole! (in 10 to 12 years)

I only wish that Joseph could be here to experience this miracle. But alas, he is cooped up in his insane asylum (apparently that's what they call Boston these days) busily punching holes with crappy hole punchers. It's been hard taking care of Hugo on my own. Midnight waterings, calming his crying fits every Friday at 10 when the Fire Safety Director conducts his terrifying tests, singing to provide as much CO2 as possible...the list goes on. I moved him to Joseph's desk, where he monitors Joseph's idle computer and office supplies, hoping to fill his father's void with some sense of responsibility and purpose. We try to pass the time reading books and playing 20 questions...but eventually we just get bored and run out of things to say.

I have noticed something quite strange. It appears that Hugo LOVES the printer, above which he used to live. No matter which way I turn his pot, within a few hours he will be bent in the direction of the printer. It really is quite perplexing. Now I'd like to note that, in the picture on the left, Hugo is bent toward the printer. The bending has nothing to do with the rubber band that he seems to be attempting to shoot at me (to no avail). Perhaps someday he will be as good an aim as Joseph or I, though I highly doubt it, given that Hugo has no hands or fingers, much less opposable thumbs. That's our little Hugo, ambitious avocado.

In conclusion, I shall leave you with one thought:
DAMN, that is one fine lookin avocado plant.
Adieu.

shh

Dear faithful reader,
I'm trying to type softly so they don't hear me. That's why this appears in small font. The harder you type the bigger the font is.

[Footsteps] Shh!

[pause]

OK, whew.

The reason I have to be quiet is because I'm in what some might call a mental health facility. Maybe it's a prison. It's minimum security for sure, but I can't just waltz out the door. I managed early this morning to fashion a primitive computer out of toothpicks, an apple core, a ball bearing, and an actual computer, so this is the first I've been able to contact the outside world.

Anyhoo, as you may know, I am no longer with our dear Hugo Chavocado. At the behest of my friends and relatives, I recused myself from the office home of Hugo and left town. I checked myself into this health facility in New England, where I shall remain for the time being. To put it simply, my presence near Hugo was posing a severe danger to both me and him. I was hungry and a budding avocado plant looks really tasty. I awoke from a stupor many times with a plastic knife in one hand and a bowl in the other, looming eerily over Hugo. I couldn't sleep. I was sweating profusely. I was experiencing hot flashes. It wasn't pretty. To stop all the nonsense and to avoid destroying the little plant, I fled. I ran. Far far away.

[Footsteps] I think I hear someone coming. Must go. This place is as heavily patrolled as the Castle of Aaaaaaaaug...