Hugo would like to wish you all a happy Purim. He hopes your respective holiday experiences were as deep and meaningful to each and every one of you as Purim was to him this year. He also expresses his hope that none of you drove drunk over the holiday weekend (Hugo is a card-carrying member of AADD, of course). Hugo celebrated his Purim by dressing up as a budding avocado plant suspended in a giant water bottle and by sprouting another centimeter. His shell also cracked and blackened around the edges a little bit more. All in all, a very exciting weekend for him. He's pooped, to say the least, and he has a bit of a hangover.
In an oddly political move, Hugo has decided to go public and declare his outrage and disgust at Ann Coulter's recent inappropriate comments against John Edwards and homosexuality. As a card-carrying member of the ADL, the ACLU, the NAACP, the NYSE, and several other acronym-heavy agencies that require members to carry cards, Hugo boldly takes a stand against hate-speech politics and bigotry everywhere. His taking such a stand is doubly impressive, considering he's sort of just hanging and floating in water all day. But he takes his stand nonetheless. "Such remarks shall not go unanswered," Hugo remarked. He promptly donated all his cash to the Coulter-Cash fund in an effort to reach the $100,000 goal (see https://johnedwards.com/action/contribute/coulter).
For those of you who think Hugo supports inflammatory remarks by reactionary public figures just because his namesake happens to be a reactionary public figure who frequently makes inflammatory remarks... well, you're wrong. Plus, Hugo thinks Ann Coulter is a big fat idiot. And he's not at all attracted to her. Or to her money. Or to her flashy ways. Or to her silky blond hair. Or to the way her mouth bunches up in the corner when she smiles. Or to the way she looks like an angel when she sleeps, when light from the window falls across her face in just that certain way. And definitely not to her smell.
For those of you wondering where Hugo keeps all of these cards for the organizations that demand that one physically carry around an actual card: Hugo keeps them in his wallet just like everyone else. What a stupid question. He has room for all these cards now because he gave all his money to the John Edwards campaign.
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2 comments:
Ok, I'm trying to connect the dots here, and call me paranoid, but I believe you, O humble parents of Hugo, may be looking at an uprising or revolution if you're not careful.
Clearly, Hugo has become more politically active in recent weeks. In addition, he seems to have studied and drawn inspiration from the 3pm guerilla messing-with-stuff campaigns executed by the terrorist cells of Robert Goulet. Given that you are raising Hugo into a life of slavery, with the declared intention to cull his children for delicious guacamole, it seems to me that Hugo's recent incursions into Joseph's personal space may be a precursor to more ambitious and possibly violent campaigns against your office environment in the name of avacodo liberty.
Now, normally I would tend to oppose the tyrany of abusive avacodo-farmers, and but I share your love of the delicious guacamole. Therefore, I suggest keeping close surveillance on Hugo's further actions, reserving if neccessary your ability to enact water and sunlight sanctions or engage in preemptive potting. At the very least, you may want to consider detaining Hugo indefinitely as a "combatant enemy avocado" to gain more information on his possible connections with other leftist guerilla horticultural networks.
It's cold in here, can Hugo hook up some heating oil on the cheap? Citgo, perhaps?
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